Ok, so I have been away for quite sometime, because suddenly I did not feel like writing anything. Nothing at all. I think that at some point, it felt like meaningless and time-consuming.
It is a pity because the way I connect writing with thinking, since a priori the one does not function without the other, has kept me away from writing. But, I think now I have something to say again, maybe I have run a circle and have found my energy. Don’t know! But it sure was nice not to put pressure on myself and follow my inner motive!
So, I have had some questions about whether or not I should continue writing in English, because I think I would like to write in my native language. I will start doing that and will just impromptu code-switch if I feel like it or if I understand that it is better for the majority.
Because I am running, I am a stone getting carried away by the current. I am not this kind of stone that would invite moss to grow on it. Not yet at least!
But I feel like this running is like it keeps me away from concentrating, from gaining consiousness on the now and here. It is like for the past 3-4 years I keep myself on the run. I might be settled but at the back side of my mind I am plotting of running away and escaping.
I would genuinely like to be done with that!
But then you see it is what my generation is supposed to do.
“We are the travellers, we are the discoverers, we are the new-age hippies”
Screw all these! These to me is no better than all the girls going for the bubble-butt.
Huge pressure to travel and discover! OK, yes I know I might be the only one feeling that…but …
How discovering yourself is the new religion! It is a good religion, no kiddin, but I hate religions, you know! They keep you from acting and thinking independently!
But think about it! European and international exchange and intercultural programms, inviting all youth, to chase the dream, to discover, to travel!
And I hear, I see that, I like that but recently it has started to struck me as something too pretentious!
I am still searching to understand why I feel like that…
But I write it here, maybe someone has thought about it more, maybe someone feels the same.
And I know that maybe only some long-term travellers might feel this way… I just wonder if there are people who have wondered:
“When you run away from your reality, who are you running away from?”
…running way from the consequences of the capitalistic way of life is totally understood and I feel it is good reason to run away.
But then ?
I AM CONFUSED, really!
Gil Scot-Heron has some thought-provoking lyrics on that. Of course his stimulus was quite different from mine, but poetry has the power to obtain meaning in various contexts, so I cite:
Because I always feel like running
Not away, because there is no such place
Because if there was I would have found it by now
Because it’s easier to run
Easier than staying and finding out you’re the only one
Who didn’t run
Because running makes me look like everyone else
Though I hope there will never be cause for that
Because I will be running in the other direction
Not running for cover
Because if I knew where cover was
I would stay there and never have to run for it
Not running for my life
Because I have to be running for something of more value
To be running and not in fear
Because the thing I fear cannot be escaped
Eluded, avoided, hidden from, protected from, gotten away from
Not without showing the fear as I see it now
Because closer, clearer, no sir, nearer
Because of you and because of that nice
That you quietly, quickly be causing
And because you’re going to see me run soon
And because you’re going to know why I’m running then
You’ll know then
Because I’m not going to tell you now